What about the anxious people with trust issues?
You know the ones I’m talking about. The ones who want to do brave bold things, who want to overcome the anxiety that seems to overwhelm them, they yearn for deep consistent relationships and friendships; the ones who value loyalty and faithfulness above most things.
How do we rise above our heartbreak when people we thought loved us leave without looking back? How do we come to terms with seemingly always being the more consistent, the more present, partner, friend, and co-worker? When we struggle to trust ourselves to make any decisions, and struggle even more to trust others to decide for us, how do we gather momentum? How does anything get done? How do the deep and vibrant dreams for a restful purposeful life and an ever supportive, ever present community become a reality?
If you find out will you tell me?
I am all too familiar with anxiety. With being unsure whether I will make it through each day the same person I was when I started; always wondering what the events of the day will be, and how I will survive them. I question my community and whether those in my life will actually want to stay around. I often wonder what I can offer them, and I tread on a line of feeling like I’m too overbearing, and not a good enough friend, sister, co-worker. Sometimes my anxiety pushes me to do better, other days it causes me to over analyze everything I say and do, hoping I didn’t say or do too much and push someone away.
It takes me forever to trust someone. I will question every action, wonder what the motive is behind every word. Even when I do trust you I may still question whether I am important to you, especially if I feel you pulling away. But when I do trust you, even if I pull away I never leave, I will stay loyal. When you decide you don’t want my loyalty, when you decide you don’t want me, that is one of the most devastating things.
I long for adventure, but leaving feels like a chasm almost impossible to cross. So when I do make decisions or commit to an adventure it’s a big deal. I don’t make decisions spontaneously, when I choose I have spent months, maybe even years, contemplating my options. I have asked every person I trust’s opinion. I have weighed, and journaled. I have tried to make others decide for me. When I decide for myself though, that is worth celebrating, it means I momentarily overcame my anxiety and I took a big step, even if it seems small to others, decisions of any type always feel massive to me.
Everyday I’m learning more about myself. I’m learning how to live well, how to live passionately, and how to live with love. I’m still an anxious person with trust issues most days, but I’d like to think I’m also a brave and loyal person when it matters most.
I’m still learning.
I expect I’ll never be done learning.